My Bloody Valentine - A Little Reminiscing.....

My Bloody Valentine

A Little Reminiscing

by Dean Vanderkolk

Perhaps you've wondered to yourself, in a dark moment that you've never revealed to anyone, what it would look like if a midget with breast implants were to be skewered on a pick axe. If so, My Bloody Valentine is the film for you.

While re-watching this film on DVD, I flashed back to the night when I decided I’d actually experience this movie in the theater so that I could fully enjoy all the film had to offer. I arrived in plenty of time for the show. I looked at the board listing show times, and I inquired of the gentleman who sold the tickets.

"Have you sold out for ‘My Bloody Valentine’?"

"Nope."

"Cool."

"In fact, you're the first guy who has even asked about a ticket for that movie."

Somehow, I’m not surprised.

I head into the theater and settle in for the film. It's set in one of those towns where everyone is either just out of college or retired. Nothing in between. Consequently, many people are performing jobs that they are much too young for. At one point, I thought to myself, "There goes the bravest 14 year old police woman I've ever seen."

The plot involves a group of miners, who, years ago, were stranded in a cave in. Only one survived, chiefly because he murdered all the others in an effort to conserve the air supply. Understandable, if not condonable. This guy is in a coma when he is discovered, and remains that way for an entire year. He then wakes up, murders everyone in the hospital and slaughters about twenty teenagers who are having a kegger in the abandoned mine. WTF? He committed horrible crimes out of the survival instinct, and wakes up a serial killer?

The movie is full of plot holes, poor scripting and several times it cheats, too.

SPOLIER ALERT!!

In one scene, we clearly see the killer assault one of the leads, injuring him and locking him in a cage before murdering the other person in the scene. Obviously, our confined young lead can't possibly be the killer. WRONG!!!! He IS the killer. You see, he suffers from delusions and committed all of the murders himself, and the scene we saw was all in his head. He injured himself, killed the other person, and then locked himself in the cage. I call shenanigans on that, folks.

The movie does feature the best 3-D I had ever seen. The crew makes excellent use of deep focus (in which all of the items in the frame remain in focus, no matter if they are in the foreground or the background), and this really enhances the 3-D aspect of the film.

Too bad they didn't let me keep the glasses.

Dean Vanderkolk is a freelance writer based out of Detroit, Michigan, so he obviously knows scary.  When not dodging gunfire, he works as the head writer for Wolfman Mac's Chiller Drive-In, seen nationally on the Retro Television Network.  He is currently scripting a feature film, an original short horror comedy and is developing an original web series, all of which will begin production in 2011.  Mr. Vanderkolk is currently seeking representation.  If you are interested in working with Dean - please email him at nswriterdude@gmail.com

Blood Freak review - Turkey in the Hemp!

Turkey in the Hemp – Blood Freak 

by : Dean Vanderkolk

 

How many times has this happened to you? You’re sitting at home channel surfing when you think to yourself “Man, there’s nothing on television these days. If only I could find a nice pro-Christian anti- drug propaganda gore film about a man who turns into a bloodthirsty turkey monster.” If so, my friends, then Blood Freak is the film for you! 

Released in 1972, Blood Freak is the story of Herschel, who is played by ex-Tarzan actor Steve Hawkes. You may never have heard of the man, but the filmmakers were very proud to land him for the role, as indicated by the credits which announce him twice within a few minutes of screen time. 

Herschel is a Vietnam veteran who, judging by his hairstyle, longs to be the next Elvis Presley. In emulation of The King, he spends his time smoking pot at various parties, accompanied by his girlfriend who tries to teach the assembled burnouts about the joys of Christ by reading passages from her Bible. Since there’s not a lot of cash in dope smoking, Herschel takes a job at a nearby turkey farm. But this is no ordinary turkey farm. The owners are creating chemically altered turkey meat, and they need a human subject to consume it in order to gain FDA approval. Guess what Herschel’s job duties are going to include? 

Trouble is, the super turkey meat reacts badly with the ganja, and Herschel soon finds himself transforming into a half-man, half-turkey monster, complete with a papier-mâché head. Old Herschel has a case of the munchies that Doritos can’t possibly satisfy, and he embarks on a murder spree that leaves the countryside in terror. For a turkey man, he’s very resourceful, dispatching his victims via strangulation, throat slittings and, in one particularly hilarious case, with a buzz saw. Just when all seems hopeless for our hero, he awakens to find it was all a horrible dream. 

Naturally, a story this complex may leave the viewer somewhat confused, and the filmmakers are prepared for this eventuality. From time to time, a narrator appears on screen to tie things all together; or rather he tries to, when he isn’t busy chain smoking himself into an on camera coughing fit while reading his lines from the script left in plain sight on his desk. 

As you may expect, the film is complete with bad lighting, camerawork, direction and sound. In an attempt to save money, all of the murders appear to have been shot without sound, and the same scream has been dubbed in for every single victim. The monster also tries to communicate his plight to others, although this is somewhat undermined by his inability to speak in anything other than a dubbed-in turkey’s gobble. 

Given the pro-Christian sentiment of the film, one might be surprised at the amount of gore present on screen. While the effects are executed in an extremely amateurish manner (when one victim has her throat cut, the blood sprays merrily from her shirt instead of her throat), they are plentiful. The film even manages to throw in a bit of brief, though mild, nudity. 

All in all, despite its flaws, Blood Freak has to be viewed as the greatest killer were-turkey movie in existence today, and will serve as a perfect flick to pop in on Thanksgiving Day while waiting for the L-Tryptophan to take effect. At least, it will be until Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving is completed. 

Dean Vanderkolk is a freelance writer based out of Detroit, Michigan, so he obviously knows scary.  When not dodging gunfire, he works as the head writer for Wolfman Mac's Chiller Drive-In, seen nationally on the Retro Television Network.  He is currently scripting a feature film, an original short horror comedy and is developing an original web series, all of which will begin production in 2011.  Mr. Vanderkolk is currently seeking representation.  If you are interested in working with Dean - please email him at nswriterdude@gmail.com